candy craze after math

Yeahhh I survived the madness of Halloween! This year was a bit different because I took the little cousins to a Halloween festival at this day care across the street from El Camino. The parental units thought it would be a lot safer so it was a good thing I went with the carnivale meets cirque du soleil outfit instead of the Lord of the Rings elfin. Mainly because I ended up spending half the night jumping around with Philip in the jumpers. I hope when he's older and has over come his autism, he'll remember that time with me - and the pain I endured for him! Thank GOD I'm short enough to pass for a teenager. Good excuse for exercise though.

So after Dann and I came home from our festive night of Halloweeneey goodness, Mom related her own trick or treat tales - she kept most of the candy. When we inquired her why she kept all the candy, she told me the kids who first came to our house took the candy without saying thank you. She got annoyed and quickly decided her well mannered kids were more deserving of her candy treats than pesky strange children.

Of course both Danny and I chimed in that children these days were making a turn for the worse anyways. Interestingly enough, the kids, the costumes and trick or treating reminded me of when Bac Khang use to make Cathy and my Jasmine costumes. They were awesome ^^ I feel like every generation feels the particular decline in moral values in younger generations. Although I did meet a charming young boy yesterday who was relishing in Dylan's awesome blue ranger costume because it was his favorite ranger. Reminded me of my own blue ranger Billy, he was a little nerd but awesome in his own way.

Goals in Life

The famous question that sets off the butterflies in everyone who has been approached with it: What are you going to do with your life? What are your goals?

Today I was talking to Luis about what I should writing in my emails to employers. What words would capture the experienced eyes of human resources who can smell the green horn from a mile away? What sentences would properly represent the hardships that I faced for my studies and the credibility of my amazing school? What were the correct pleas that would provide a satisfying enough knock so that they will open their doors?

I think this was the break down of my job search. The mental frustration of coping with my life back at home, the blow to my pride for crawling back to Mom and Dad for funds and the gut wrenching alterations of my peers from academically striving to commercial suffocation. Welcome back into the world of the mindless masses. My cynicism is only a cry of help for salvation from my fall down the ladder. And even in that metaphor, it is not the top of the ladder that I strive for.

Me: It's too comfortable

I'd almost rather be stuck in New York, working the night shift, in my studio apartment

Luis: yeah, I know what you mean; in a weird way it makes you feel accomplished lol

Me:

it gives you the reassuring feeling that you're going to be able to make it and proud that you did it with your own hands and feet

~~~

What a dream. To just live on what your own God/higher being given hands and feet. That's all I want. To be independent and be able to pursue my own happiness. I don't hate home, but this is no longer my home.

So I better go search for it.

all is not right with the world

I just got off the phone with Lydia. It sounds as if her father's death is finally affecting her. I could tell she didn't want to talk to me about it, perhaps because there was not much I could to comfort her, especially with my perfect little family life. But I'm glad I got a good laugh or two out of her.

However, it seems as if all is not right with the world. Alex wants to join the navy/marines, Anh is having trouble finding a job despite his incredible intelligence, Chi Na can barely make $300 a month at the nail salon, Liza is considering the prospects of being a house wife, Gretel is caught between the spoke wheels of office politics, Chris quit his internship to pursue other ventures and of course there's me drawling along at home. Just when it seemed like the world couldn't be filled with more problems, the clouds blacken and "God" reminds silent.

I was telling Gretel about how as adults, we tend to instill hopeful messages in the songs and story books we give to children about following our dreams and having hope no matter how bad the situation may seem. She called them bullshit lies. I told her, it didn't matter whether not it was a lie. The point was to encourage perseverance in kids so that they endure the long road ahead. Philosophers preach about human beings have the right of reason and ego in order to make decisions for themselves and thus pursue their happiness. Will Smith proclaims the pursuit of happiness is a long journey through the treacherous but rewarding in the end. Dad says "In America, nothing is free".

I think we all fight because the alternative is boredom. And as Bowdoin kids, boredom does not exist. We were born fighters and trained master-minds. Perhaps it just takes a few hardships and bad experiences to sharpen our minds and skills.

Well, whatever it is, my childish hope prays that success lies at the end of the road for everyone. And that, that perseverance that grew inside our minds from its small infant bud of cartoons and comic book heroes, is strong enough to keep us burning for the rest of the way.

"rain outside my window, pouring down"

The stormy days have returned.

I had a great day today...well sort of. I didn't exactly find the teaching assistant job that I was hoping for because Sugey from the Angelina center did respond to my email. However the up side of things was that I got to participate in a pepsi commercial in Little Tokyo.

Coincidentally I was walking out of the parking lot at the same time that the film crew just finished parking. The head of the crew spotting me waiting at the spot light and rushed over to ask me if I wanted to take part in their advertisement project. Haha, there's no guarantee that I'll actually be featured on television, but it's nice to dream. I got a free pepsi as payment too! ^_^

I've just spent the past 4 hours reading the manga that Kenny sent to me. I can't believe I'm almost done it. It's such a shallow manga with characters very similar to Yuwakase's stories. A whiny, spunky girl as the main character who works her way through the horrible circumstances that life throws at her in terms of family and work, who then falls in love with the cool, yet cold tall, dark and handsome guy who seems to be distant to everyone and yet is a kind soul underneath because he has endured far worse incidents than the female lead.

I suppose it's been a while since I've read such drama and there is a time for this kind of enjoyment.

However I find myself lost in the loneliness of the night. I feel like I want to cry, but,...something inside holds me back. I guess this is the kind of night perfect for sad love songs of unrequited love, no?

The kind that only Jason Mraz can understand. Sing away my love.

for the average foodie and teenie

On Friday night, David and I went out to see "Julie and Julia", the new acclaimed movie in the food category featuring Amy Adams as the average government worker who aspires to fulfill the mastery of French cuisine with the help and inspiration of legendary Julia Child, played by Meryl Streep. As food lovers and partial movie goers, we thought it was a great idea.

I think Meryl Streep did a fantastic job, although I would gather that she got annoyed quickly with Julia Child's accent and form of talking. It felt like the story of Julie was not enough. She provided a nice balance to the biliography of Julia Child, but I don't feel as if it held up on its own. Her goal was simply to complete a long term goal that was involved with cooking and to document it because one of her other friends was gaining so much popularity through her blog entries. Seems a bit silly to me. I applaud those who can receive social commotion through their writing, including Liza, yet there is something too "casual" about the internet that makes such commotions seem obsolete or "unofficial". It's true that it is the public who ultimately decide what is popular by their standards of interest and it is from their wallets that the money will pour forth from into the wallets of these writers. Maybe it's because I've been going to a private school for too long that has caused me to believe only restricted items have authentic value. I feel as if the mini-Lydia engrained into my brain is speaking.

Anyways, back to the movie. I think if Julie Powell had gained something greater in the culinary field or in her life accomplishments via Julia Child (aside from having her book published and a movie made based on her writing), it would have added more meaning to her half of the plot or at least tied the two stories in a more cohesive message about both women's lives.

My second cinematic critic: "Wait for the Twilight"

So most of my friends are well aware of my Twilight bashing, book and movie, but despite all my verbal opposition towards the series, it didn't stop them from seeing the movie and falling in love with one of the characters (I'll be it, he's a werewolf and a very good looking actor who put on 30 lbs of muscle for the sequel). I agree that my opinion should not keep their curiosity confined and thus it should not keep mine abay either. So I decided to test out my hatred for its sincerity and started to watch the first of the Twilight series.

Pale and blood shot eyes are not a pretty look for anyone, not even the former Cedric Digory. Stalking is the way to come onto a girl. Also the "just got kicked in the balls and is trying to survive" look is also not very attractive.

Some quotes that I found to be amusing/painful to listen to:
"You can google it"
"What if I'm the bad guy?"
And the monologue is more on the cheesy side.
"I'm a killer! I'm the world's most dangerous pedator!"
"So the lion fell in love with a lamb"

HAHAHA and they really do sparkle!

And then after a dramatic talk, they lay on the grass and just stare wantingly into each other's eyes. Also for a family who hates sunlight, they sure have very wide, large windows.

So I'm just being nicky picky about a few mishaps in the movie, which I'm sure the director struggled with as well. However poor of a movie that it is, I can see the thrill and romanticism in falling in love with a vampire. It would be the most dramatic occurence to happen to your average teenager as well as the most interesting. I guess the majority of the population find their lives rather mundane. So they dream about encountering the fantastic and abnormal. Sort of like the roommate in Transformers 2, and the way things ended for him, I would predict a similar thing happening to anyone else. The people in stories like Twilight or Harry Potter are written to come off as ordinary, yet through the plot, there is an extraordinary characteristic that shines through. Perhaps it is because their character and strength is tested through the trials of the abnormal and thus their strengths appear grander in comparison.

As for myself, I cannot deny that I too seek adventure. Why else would I want to travel abroad so badly? However, in terms of drama, I think I have had enough.

People say that they hate drama and yet they crave it or seem to succumb to it so willingly. For a while, I thought that drama was the very essence or counterpart to peace and thus without drama, peace would only seem mundance to our eyes. Mom would always say that the human mind has a million things to worry about everyday. And from that worry, we grow older in age and appearance.

Alas, I am tired. It's time for bed or at least some light reading.

Patriotism

I grew up believing that I would become a revolutionist.

I was never "a child of the revolution". That title belonged to the aunts and uncles who lived to see their home wrecked and trampled on. However, my foreignness with war did not stop me from wanting to become a fighter. Or a speaker for children who did not have the education to express their hunger and sorrow. A soldier for those who could not afford to join in the good fight for a better society because they were still caught in the fight for survival. But most important of all, I was going to be a patriot for my ancestral home.

Andrew Lam writes: "it was the Vietnamese way to ask the land to bless and protect the newborn. 'Your umbilical cord is also buried in an earthen jar in our garden,' she said. The incident and the knowledge of my own earthly ties made a strong impression on me: our ways were sacred and very old....
No Vietnamese history book, no patriotic song, no agrarian-based adage could have possibly prophesied my own abrupt departure from Vietnam nor my subsequent transnational ending. For at the end of the Vietnam War many of us did no die protecting river and land as we, in our rituals, games, poetry, and songs, had promised ourselves and our ancestors' spirits. For all the umbilical cords buried, for all the promises made, we did the unimaginable: we fled." (4)

Perhaps the reason why I feel so strongly the way I do about my heritage is because I have a different connection to Vietnam, or "the Old World" as many Ameri-Asian writers have phrased it, than Lydia or my other friends. No one ever told me it was my duty to become Vietnam's messiah. Yet I could not help thinking I had a sense of responsibility to return to the forefront to help save the rest of my comrades. After all, did I not have the riches and fortune of America to become the leader I needed to be?

Co Le Mai was visiting Bac Khang and Bo for the weekend. Tonight was her last time in Los Angeles so we decided to take her out to eat Pho before her long 6 hour trip home to New York. During the dinner, Bo and Co Mai came across the question if the other thought that China would one day take Vietnam back. At first I was taken back at such a question. "Take it back?" Since when did Vietnam ever belong to China? From what Chinese history and soap operas have taught me, the officials in the North never cared so much to acknowledge the people of the South, let alone claim it as a part of its nation. How could they claim Vietnam "back" if it was never officially part of China to begin with?

I can't quite put into words the alarming emotions that arose at this moment, but it was nothing compared to the shock that followed with my father's answer. He agreed to China's reclaim of Vietnam.

At first I questioned his position of patriotism, but then considered his own position. What could a 50-year-old engineer with two kids and wife in California do about government officials forcefully taking Vietnam back? Perhaps my father, like most people, have lost hope.

She has been shackled and raped so many times before. It would only be a matter of time before she was taken away and proclaimed a child of China. After all, who was going to save her now? Not when family is the first priority and fear of political disturbance is the pad lock on the door out. And then there are those of us who are too taken up by our riches and spoils to give notice to her troubles. We could put money into her economy for a brief moments before they too are collected by her captures. Offer her glimpses of family pictures and newly found wealth from afar to allow her to dream. But each night that she returns to her dark and desolate prison, the truth remains, she is alone.

beautiful mess

I was doing my weekly surfing of youtube when I came across a couple videos of Jason Mraz just walking around the streets of Paris and playing his songs for fun. What struck me the most about these videos was the simplistic beauty of his music and the quaint scenery behind him. Jason Mraz is the kind of man who simply wants to share the beauty of music to the world without wanting to the retribution or consequences of musical fame. Even he's performaning for millions of people, he has to struggle to keep his eyes open because most of the time, he'd rather just close them and be completely engulfed in the kind of "overwhelming beauty" that Lester discovered in "American Beauty". I'm really glad he is successful at what he does because very few people hwo live with his kind of care-free spirit actually have the potential of being financially successful in their lives. It's people like him who negate the presence of murders and thieves my parents are so fearful of. So yes, I find it hard to keep my guard pointed at paranoia all the time when such people can exist in a supposedly dark world. I don't know if my naviety is simply coming out of its shell tonight, or that my blind youth makes me neglect all signs of danger or that maybe I just want the kind of enlightenment that content people like Jason Mraz or even Deb have found through their simple lives.

Moving on to my very complicated life, ...I think I have a problem with boys. I don't know how to handle guys. It's like the minute they turn their affections towards me, I feel like I've just been targeted for a missile or torpedo. Me always taught me to return the kind gestures of others with equally kind gestures. However, that methodology has not been working very well for me in the male-female relationship aspect. I obviously have issues with boundaries. I'm like that doormat that people, particularly boys, freely walk on no matter what the circumstance. What a mess I am.

I want to be deeply loved by my significant other. I want chills and warmth all at once when he hugs me or gives me butterfly kisses. I want to feel hopeless when I get into a fight with him and feel closer when we make up. I want him to support me as much as I would support him. I want to feel as natural being with him as it is to be with Liza or Lydia or Bob. I want it to feel as natural as just being with myself, but better. I want to be challenged and feel excited about little things. I want him to be the bigger man when we're serious and a kid when we're having fun.

I miss Eric.