beautiful mess

I was doing my weekly surfing of youtube when I came across a couple videos of Jason Mraz just walking around the streets of Paris and playing his songs for fun. What struck me the most about these videos was the simplistic beauty of his music and the quaint scenery behind him. Jason Mraz is the kind of man who simply wants to share the beauty of music to the world without wanting to the retribution or consequences of musical fame. Even he's performaning for millions of people, he has to struggle to keep his eyes open because most of the time, he'd rather just close them and be completely engulfed in the kind of "overwhelming beauty" that Lester discovered in "American Beauty". I'm really glad he is successful at what he does because very few people hwo live with his kind of care-free spirit actually have the potential of being financially successful in their lives. It's people like him who negate the presence of murders and thieves my parents are so fearful of. So yes, I find it hard to keep my guard pointed at paranoia all the time when such people can exist in a supposedly dark world. I don't know if my naviety is simply coming out of its shell tonight, or that my blind youth makes me neglect all signs of danger or that maybe I just want the kind of enlightenment that content people like Jason Mraz or even Deb have found through their simple lives.

Moving on to my very complicated life, ...I think I have a problem with boys. I don't know how to handle guys. It's like the minute they turn their affections towards me, I feel like I've just been targeted for a missile or torpedo. Me always taught me to return the kind gestures of others with equally kind gestures. However, that methodology has not been working very well for me in the male-female relationship aspect. I obviously have issues with boundaries. I'm like that doormat that people, particularly boys, freely walk on no matter what the circumstance. What a mess I am.

I want to be deeply loved by my significant other. I want chills and warmth all at once when he hugs me or gives me butterfly kisses. I want to feel hopeless when I get into a fight with him and feel closer when we make up. I want him to support me as much as I would support him. I want to feel as natural being with him as it is to be with Liza or Lydia or Bob. I want it to feel as natural as just being with myself, but better. I want to be challenged and feel excited about little things. I want him to be the bigger man when we're serious and a kid when we're having fun.

I miss Eric.