It was a normal day where I did normal things and got a lot done as well managed my time well. Yet it was the greatest falling out I have ever experienced since the time I received my fat F in philosophy.
I don't know if things between Trang and I are settled quite yet. I made phone calls and wrote emails, but would it ever be enough? I don't even want to argue with her anymore just because every time I receive another email, I feel this anxiety attack in my chest and my sense of logic just gets replaced with fury and then I become defensive. All day, all I thought about was how I shouldn't care about what she says and how much more hurt she is than I could ever be. I was caught between feeling torn up and wanting to be the bigger person.
Then I got the email about my score from the interview with Santa Monica. 5 points. I'm short 5 points of just passing. How did I score so low?
I think there are two questions that I failed on and I should have elaborated on the last question instead of just blurting out whatever came to my head.
And despite the nags and lectures from Me, crying and being with her made me feel better. A bath didn't do too badly either and watching a Disney movie is a sure-fire way to awaken up the hopeful spirit.
It won't take too much or too long for the disappointments and heartaches to come crashing down again though. This is only temporary relief from reality. In all honesty, I feel quite lonely and sad here at home. It's not just the going through the motions that makes me feel sad, it's the lack of advancing. And yet while I was in the shower, I thought back to the time when I told Dan about Cathy. About our relationship and how when I finally decided to do my own thing, I figured it out and ended up the better person because of it. Maybe this, this is just another test to point me in the direction that is right for me.
Most people from Bowdoin either go straight to grad school or into a job. Maybe I'm not set out for either. I have a teaching certification, I'm damn creative, and I have great interpersonal skills despite what my cousin might think. It's true; I wasn't thinking clearly and did not feel I was in my comfort zone anymore. However with kids, I just have a natural instinct to play and nurture them. I have to trust that instinct and my other abilities. I just haven't put them to work in a while, which is why I feel I have no self confidence.
Maybe Dan, you made a much bigger impact on my life than either one of us could have predicted. If this is the turning point, and the slap in the face that I needed to wake up again, I will search you out and thank you in person. For now, I send my best wishes to you in that you are pursuing your goals with the full force that I need to have for my own. Defeat is temporary, quitting is forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment