As the days are starting to fade away and Japan becomes a closer reality than I could hardly believe, the butterflies have morphed into creepy, crawling tingles of fear instead my stomach. I keep trying not to think about my anxieties and the previous problems in Singapore with Trang, but of course my low self esteem always brings those memories to the surface in such cases. Everyone is telling me how great and awesome it is that I have such an opportunity. Somewhere inside or outside of me, I know it's true. The more I talk about it, the more amazing the position becomes before my very eyes. But at home, within the confinements of my room and parents' oppressive love, I feel lonely and with a lackluster spirit. I have found myself rebelling in silly, juvenile ways against my parents' authority for stupid reasons like not seeing friends. I don't know if my maturity has truly been stunted from being MIA for about a year or because there's a deeper message that I'm trying to get across.
I talked it out with Lawrence and the both of us agree that perhaps I just need sometime to digest all of this. Or else the Japan things feels too much too soon for me. One second I'm preparing for interviews, the next I'm working on sending out documents for my work visa. And now I'm busy scheduling people left and right for "last minute memories".
Alas, a good book, my journal and my coffee shop sounds amazing right now.
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