guts and all

I still feel horrendously wretched from my mistake in Singapore.

Most of the time, I feel really unhappy. I think that's the main source of my problems. Lately I've noticed a lackluster in my behavior, creativity, wit- everything that I once prided myself in seems to have vanished. As if overnight, I aged like Vip Van Winkle. I think it's because I can feel myself slowly reverting; despite my protests and feeble ways to keep myself true to who I am, I can feel the effects taking place. Just from my recent hang outs with Cathy and from talking to Danny. Everything that has happened recently that bothers me slightly, it's me feeling trapped and resigning to the current situation. Like a square block trying to fit into a circular mode.

Or as Gretel put it: "donning on my mask"

I can't believe I would ever say this but, I'm REALLY looking forward to seeing Kenny tomorrow. I just want, a rule hug I guess. Or maybe it's my single factor that's ringing through my ears. I don't want a boyfriend necessarily; just the feeling of being wanted for who I am. Whoever that is.

And now more Murakami. Because he seems to be the only one who understands me.

"I find it hard to talk about myself. I'm always tripped up by the eternal who am I? paradox. Sure, no one knows as much pure data about me as me. But when I talk about myself, all sorts of other factors-values, standards, my own limitations as an observer- make me, the narrator; select and eliminate things about me, the narrative. I've always been disturbed by the thought that I'm not painting a very objective picture of myself. "

"What I'd like to know more about is the objective reality of things outside myself. How important the world outside is to me, how I maintain a sense of equilibrium by coming to terms with it. That's how I'd grasp a clearer sense of who I am."

"I spend more time being confused than not."