phamily

While I was fixing myself a midnight snack to satiate my grumpy stomach, my father's cell phone blared out loud in alert of a receiving call. It was Jim from work, frantic about an alarm that suddenly turned on for one of the test chambers. I first asked him if it was a dire emergency that needed my father to be awaken, and his strange response was: "I don't know, what do you think?" And then he proceeded to tell me about the alarm.

First I was puzzled as to why he would give me, a stranger to him and relative to my father, the responsibility of deciding whether or not an alarm was important enough to wake up my father. Because I, with the Asian Studies major and absolute no background in space equipment, would be the rightful candidate in making such a decision.

I quickly pushed my bewilderment aside and went to go prod Bo awake. I thought it was best if I waited by to take the phone away from him and put it back in the living room. So there I was, standing in the darkness, praying Me would not be disturbed in anyway by Jim's loud, frantic, digitized voice, as I listened to Dad cope with the situation.

It was then that it struck me how similar Bo and I are. The more I listened in on his reassuring words to Jim about the themo-reactor chamber and the false alarm, the more I started to think back on my last semester at Bowdoin. When I would get phone calls from Rae interrupting my sleep or dinner because there was something wrong with the editing system. Or the times I was watching movies with Eric and Chris would call, asking about the upcoming event with A.S.A.

When I was director or coordinator for the fashion show, there was a sense of confidence as I delegated my peers and friends. There was a sense of knowing exactly how things should be and what needed to happen, and quickly thinking on my feet. In those moments of chaos, my natural survivor instincts just switched on to autopiliot and geared all my focus towards accomplishing what needed to be done. I enjoyed those moments because for once I wasn't lost. I felt accomplished and pride in being able to guide others. At the same time that there is stress in having to be the keeper of the bigger picture and in making sure each individual is responsible for their part, there is a self expectation to be the one who is on time and there to fill in the blank spots.

But then there are times like tonight, with Jim and my father. It is these times, when phone calls still come in at 1 a.m. despite the long day of work, and the mind cannot rest at ease because we have to fill in those responsibilities for others who cannot. It is times like these that I hope I become nothing like my father, or mother. I want to leave work at work. I want time with my kids and for myself. I don't want to be late on any more dates, or get phone calls during meals. I don't my work to overtake my personal life like this past semester. At least I hope it won't.

"If I had the chance
to keep you in bed
I'd turn all the clocks
12 hours ahead.
So you would never have to go
So I would never have to wait" - Jesse Barrera "Come to My Door"