24..

It's my last hour of being 23. Honestly, I haven't paid too much attention to my birthday. It's not so much the "getting older" and "stop counting" phase. I suppose, I've just been having so much fun and enjoying my very fortunate and wonderful life that, my birthday is just as much of a gift from my parents as every other day I was given and still have ahead. I'm watching Shrek the 4th and the moral of this story, is to want the things that you have. Although honestly, I really want one of donkey's flying mutant babies right now. ^^ But the moral holds up; wanting what you already have and I gotta say, I have a lot.

More than I thought I did before. I know that sounds cheesy and cliche. I don't care. Things have been amazing and they keep getting better and better. I don't want this energy to ever stop. And if there's anything that I owe to myself through all these awkward years of "growing up", it's owning up the fact that, I can do things. In fact, there's a lot that I am capable of and I have such an awesome brain. It just...needed a little time to get to its full potential. I sincerely hope I'm not at that point yet. I can't wait to see what being 24 has in store.

Ba noi, ca mung ba..for everything. Thank you for a safe, good childhood full of lemonade and strange play with Cathy. Thank you for taking care of us. I will miss your tiger balm scent and cooking the most. Thuong Ba lam.

Here's to an awesome 23 years of living.

Clakkity-clak-clak

People have their own strange personal likes and dislikes, and most of the time, the reason behind their liking has nothing to do with logic. It something that stirs the senses and bring comfort.

For me, it's the clacking of the keyboard on the computer. As classic as the typewriter is, I'm straight out of the 90's generation, so it's gotta be the key board. I could never use the sleek new Mac notebooks because they're just too quiet and well, the futuristic projected keyboards would have no give to the fingers. There's a satisfying soreness to the tips after you've finger punched your way through 100 pages of pure thought and analysis that you can't find in any other exercise.

It's been a while since I've taken up the chance to pound out my thoughts. My excuse is as generic as any other full time working adult: I had no time.

That's a flat excuse now that I think about it. Everyone has the same amount of hours in one day. Of course I had time; I always have time. Truth of the matter is, I didn't want to sit down and write. I felt overworked, stressed and wanted to escape from my troubles by falling head first into the black and white pages of my books. Maybe it's not coincidence literature is still printed in black and white instead of multicolor. In between those bindings, everything is still black and white. There's an beginning, a trajectory, a climax, a denouement and an ending. Maybe each part is not always predicable and in the best cases, they completely shatter our imagination's boundaries. But they'll always be black and white: clearly obvious in their tone contrast.

For that same reason, we can't live in those worlds. Real life is always changing in prismatic patterns from soft morning hues to clashes of techno blots. So when people ask me: "What's up?" or "What's it like on the other side of the world?", I still feel too blindsided and overwhelmed to give a creditable answer. At the end of it all, I guess I just feel a bit gray.

Work isn't perfect. No one's work is. And honestly, it has become even more frustrating in the last few weeks than before. For reasons that logic can explain in full detail, but emotions and immaturity still reject as incredulous. It makes me think back to when I was talking to Dao about "the real work world". Her reply was that: "It's the politics that make it different when what you're use to." Without fail, it's the politics. It's the "who-said-what" overlapped with "he/you should have done this". Top that off with threats to dock more pay and you have a very gray phuongy.

I do work quite hard. Perhaps, harder than I have worked before and the credit is slow and often ignored. But I know it...then forget it...and then I hate myself when I don't remember. My ideal of myself is impossible to attain. I have so many powerful images of people I want to be, but never achieved any of them. Reason being is probably because I was never really cut to be any of those people and I kept looking for approval from others to ensure myself that, that was the person I should be.

I guess I should put to pen my thoughts on myself. Maybe seeing it in black and white will bring some clarity to my haphazard life.

1. I'm really insecure. Especially around my friends but even more so around my family.

2. I think being marked "wrong" is a sign of my stupidity.

3. I wish I was cool. (Ever since grade skill to now).

definition of growth

I am obsessed with maturity.

I don't know if it has to do with the overbearing weight of responsibility of adult life or the labels of success in the world.

Rachel commented that she has never met someone so "unexperienced" before meeting me. Now, the statement was in reference to my dating and flirting abilities, but a a general observation, she makes a valiant argument. I claim to be a big adventurer but when it comes down to it, I second guess myself and take the easy route. Maybe that's why I feel I've been lucky to this point- because I'm consistently choosing the easier path instead of the harder untrodden road.

And then there's the laziness- the center fulcrum of my unbalance life. The jolt of motivation to keeping pushing forward at break necking speed is absent and thus, my personal speed becomes lackadaisical.

"growing pains"

It's been about 11 years since Toy Story was a part of my life and today I was able to experience a bit of that old, nostalgic magic again that only Disney and Pixar could create from their finger tips.

Granted, I watched Toy Story 3 in Japaneses and was not able to enjoy the full experience of clever catch phrases, Tom Hank's and Tim Allen's amazing voice acting or Mr. Potato Head's silly complaints but emotions and feelings can always transcend language. I mean hey-that's why I pick them up so easily, no?

The ending to the trilogy was as amazing and stupendous as the first one, from start to end. But I think the timing of this third movie was the epitome of it all; it was the clear sign to my generation of kids who had grown up with such wonderful toys in our lives, that now we had to move onto greater things as adults. Out of all viewers, no one else could understand the heartache that Andy experiences in parting with his beloved childhood more than we having shared those toys with him through the years. What's worse than watching Andy simply leaving behind those faithful memories of youthful splendor is the fact that this time, it was his toys who left him.

In the first two movies and for a majority of the last, the protagonist of faithful Woody was always concerned with being the "forgotten toy". As evidence has proven throughout all three movies, children are cruel and can be negligent quite easily to their playthings. It's part of their lack of responsibility and inability to proper care for others, despite their existence being real or fantasy. Even Andy showcased certain realistic flaws, such as picking the more extravagant Buzz Light Year over Woody in the first movie and then accidentally ripping Woody's arm in the second. But the heart of the story lies in the simple fact that children need to play and there is no one they can depend more on than their toys. No one showcases that message better than Woody the Cowboy. No matter what shenanigans Woody and gang fall into, or how mistreated he is by Andy- Woody's unconditional love for him is as clearly written out as Andy's name on his boot. Even his own theme song sings it out in plain words: "You've got a friend in me..when the road is rough ahead and you're miles and miles from your safe warm bed, you just remember what your old pal said: yeah you got a friend in me."

No one could resist tears at the ending when Woody, even though self picked through Andy to come along with him for college, willing throws himself into Bonnie's donated toy box. The lone cow ranger who had been faithful all these years, ended up being the one to say good bye first. Perhaps even greater than a parent's love in letting their children leave the nest, is a beloved toy telling his owner it's time to grow up and leave him for the next generation to love.

It is such a wonder that inanimate objects can stir alive the imagination with a simple facial expression, small movement, or recorded voice feature. Pixar and Disney (I listed it that way on purpose) simply gave a bit of animation to our playthings and as a result, reminded us of that old fashion magic from childhood. It's not found in these new electronic hand games, or in magazines or 2d collection cards. It's the spark we all felt when holding our favorite stuff animal, dressing up and battling with our action figures and barbie's, pushing buttons and making our toys converse with one another in our terrible voice acting. It's quite literally, a physical touch of childhood; the most real and tangible grasp of magic that we could ever hold or will ever hold again for a long time. That is why as an adult, I hold no shame in showing my love for this trilogy for its animators. No one can doubt the truth it presents about the greatest of youth and the inevitability of adulthood.

This is the sad good bye that we all face and the only thing we can do is say: "Thank you Woody, Buzz, and everyone for adventures. It was fun while it lasted."

figuring some stuff out...

Back in highschool, I use to sink straight into school work and clubs to distract myself from doing any kind of soul searching. There were too many things to do, colleges to get accepted to, and on occasion, friends to see. There was no such thing as spending too much time with my friends. They were after all, my life and as far as I cared, the only things that matter to my world.

So when shit went down, between the boyfriend, or between friends and their friends- I was dragged down too. That was pretty much all that occupied my thoughts at that young age.

In college, it was about bettering myself to keep up with the rest of the richie-rich kids. I couldn't allow myself to be surrounded by the brightest and most intelligent in the country and not be positively influenced by them. Of course, coming into college, that thought did not strike my thoughts at all. I could only go by the instincts and emotions that came as roller coaster thrills do on a day by day basis.

Even then, I did not think about the greater purpose outside of academics. There were still boyfriend problems, drama with the friends and roommate and on occasion-the paper freak outs with dear Gretel.

I never thought to look beyond those things. Perhaps the flaw of youth is that our perception is so shallow, we do not possess the insight to prepare for those future troubles. Without the kind guidance of family members and fellow experienced companions, who knows how far we might make it out of sheer instinct and will power. Of course taking such advice when we're so hawty and bold is on rare occasion as well.

Today at work was challenging. I didn't feel like myself and my students' energy were just really low. I don't know if it was the games, their moods, or even just me. I've never experienced this kind of lifestyle before-- everything is so peaceful and set into consistent motion. Why am I lagging around like a funny bump in a tire?

Maybe meditation, some martial arts, exercise and fresh air will help my spirits. I don't if it's the job, my hesitation, my homesickness, or maybe just a low level of hormones that is causing my spirits to be so gloomy. Trust Indie Arie to set things straight for me with her soothing, rhythmic guitar strums and wise voice.

Get it together phuong...

"au revoir"Los Angeles

An. Amazing. Night. Period.

Tonight was the first day of the annual Asian Pacific Film Festival held at the Directors' Guild Association in Los Angeles. As part of the digital histories program, Steve invited me to come and even got tickets for Cathy and I to go together. At first I was quite hesitant because I wanted to spend more time at home with the phamily but since he went through all the trouble, there was no way I could pass it up. Plus deep down, the nerd in me wanted to go watch underground films again. There's something about the general, popular films that just don't cut it.

We arrived in the gorgeous lobby and meet up with some of the fine ladies from the DisKovery Center, including Jeanie (Steve's mother) and Michi (my favorite senior). Jeanie was gracious enough to give us some bao for dinner and we happily munched away as I scoped out potential suitors for dear Cathy. We got as far as the "cool yet sophisticated" polished guy in white blazer and trucker hat, the dreadlocks man, and Mr. Beret with the wiry hair. After a couple of good laughs, Steve came out from the V.I.P room and we started chatting up about him being a "closet" starstruck by one of the actresses from China. Using Cathy's term, anorexic, tanned, Asian Barbie. The fact that she kept fiddling with her super short dress and her boobs looked like they were ready to make the jump for it was unnerving and drew everyone's attention. Oh and the fact that she sparkled from head to toe didn't help either.

Our film for tonight was "Au Revoi Taipei" directed by Arvin Chen. It was a completely playful, and as Mr. Chen stated himself, "silly" film. I loved it.

"Au Revoir" opens up with a montage of the city of Taipei at night. It's the standard introduction of the setting from wide city shot, to medium shots of every day life and the bustle of the citizens. Then camera catches a couple on the street; the girl gets into a taxi cab to leave for Paris and as she drives away, the boyfriend watches her leave. This boy, Lai, is the center crux of the movie but not the main character. Later on we see him go through a daily routine of working at his parent's restaurant, riding the streets of Taipei, reading a French language book in the bookstore, and ending with a phone call to his beloved asking her to contact him again. Gradually, his daily routine is added on with other characters such as his friend Gao, the "Uncle Bao" who frequently eats at the restaurant, Bao's nephew and his orange suited mobsters, and even a pair of cops. One day out of heartbreak, Lai decides to fly to Paris and win back the love of his girlfriend. He agrees to make a small delivery for Uncle Bao in exchange for the money to buy a plane ticket. During his little adventure, audiences discover the two cops are after Bao after finding crucial evidence of smuggling. Bao's nephew, Hong, a street cad who looks for cheap thrills and exciting heists, over hears his uncle's business arrangement with Lai and decides to take the loot for himself.

Soon all the characters become intertwined in a big chase after the secret package that Lai is carrying, including an innocent bookstore worker Susie, who has a deep crush for Lai but is unable to come to terms with her love. The adventures is filled with funny lines from Lai's amusingly monotone friend, Gao, and silly tactics by Lai and Susie in the attempt to escape the cops. And very much like the director stated at the start of the film, it ends on a silly note. Each character has their own ending and thus conclusion to their romanticism but the most entertaining section is of Lai and Susie doing the lindy hop inside the bookstore, surrounded by other customers also doing the lindy hop. =] Very appropriate Mr. Chen.

The central theme of this movie was romanticism. Chen starts off with Lai's romance with his girlfriend and Paris because love is classically tied in with romanticism. The sheer idea of being in Paris and engaging in the atmosphere of lovers is the quintessential image of love's romance. There is also a bit of nativity in Lai's romance; his dream of holding on to a long distance relationship, his studying of French so he can talk to his girlfriend and someday eventually join her. When he encounters Susie at the book store and tells her his plan, she replies with "that's very romantic". He responds with "is it?" And then she says "well doesn't your girlfriend think so?" Lai's response afterwards does not show much confidence in knowing if his girlfriend does think his education in French is romantic.

Even after the girlfriend breaks it off with Lai, he comes up with the crazy notion of wanting to fly to Paris and win her love back. This is a clear sign that his romantic notions of their relationship will not yield despite the break off. His parents tell him that it's a silly idea and this is probably for the best. He should be finding a job as oppose to flying to Paris but he refuses to listen. Here, Chen clearly separates Lai from the "general society" of his parents' sense of reality; forget spending money for love and get a job that has security. As Lai pursues help from his "Uncle Bao", he becomes enlisted in a small delivery in exchange for the money for Paris.

Chen is using Lai as a the boat to drive the narrative forward, but also catch other characters' stories in its net. As Lai is discussing the business deal with Uncle Bao, Hong overhears their conversation and immediately decides to take the package for himself. Hong is a real estate agent who sells apartment housing as a living, courtesy of his uncle. However by night, Hong and his hooligan of ruffians do petty robberies such as the mini mart. After over hearing this deal, Hong becomes obsessed at the prospects of performing a great heist. This is his romanticism. Chen showcases this through Hong's actions and behavior. He sends out his ruffians to retrieve the package, despite their lack of common sense and skill. And even equips one of them with a gun. Later on, after the ruffians have kidnapped Gao instead of Lai with hope that they can an exchange, we see Hong discussing relationship issues with Gao and giving him advice on how to woe his co-worker Peach. Then when he calls Lai to do the exchange, he has stumbles on his words in finding a location to do the swap as well as verbally threatening to kill Gao and throw his body into the river but then shaking his head to Gao to reassure him that it is a lie. Twice. Also later on we find out the gun is fake.

Uncle Bao's character provides an interesting twist to the romantic notions. As an older gentlemen who creates the appearance of being a crook, he still relishes in the romance of his former days. His romanticism is captured in the mafia dramas that he watches in every scene that he's not talking to someone else. These dramas are overdramatic with terrible acting and cliche plots, and yet Bao finds amusement every time. Another character who indulges in dramatic romance is the lady innkeeper at the "palace" sex hotel. We catch a quick snippet of her watching the love scene between two characters who are swearing their eternal vows in the middle of a fight. But then when Lai and Susie enter in the hotel, she barely acknowledges then and says : "for a quickie, I'll give you 500 but for the whole night it'll be 800". A very crude line about sex, depraved of all romance and passion and measured only in the amount of time it can last. But in reality, that's what the sex hotel is for and what most of the customers come seeking.

The cop's romanticism is divided between being a high chase pursuit cop and having a loving relationship. Both shatter as they collide into one another. The cop is so obsessed with being the top notch cop and having exciting pursuits that he allows his love life to crumble. Until the day his girlfriend decides to walk away from the relationship and brings his romance to an end. He does desperately try to pursue her but only finds rejection and eventually dissatisfaction with his job as well when he discovers his pursuit was for a framed photo.

Gao in my opinion is the most interesting character because of his lack of romanticism. As Cathy pinpointed, Gao has the same monotone attitude as Khao from our own family. He's tall, awkward, seems to lack personality and is extremely funny. He is about to be drafted and wants to ask his co-worker Peach out. However, he becomes nervous around her and is unable to ever the get the words out. In every scenario with the characters however, he both plays to their romances and demises it. For example, when at the open eatery with Lai and Susie, he "conveniently" slips away to allow the two to be alone, thus playing to Susie's fantasy of being with Lai. But when kidnapped by the orange suited hooligans, he interrupts their "scheming" by stating: "Oh you can drop me off here". As well as suggesting good dumpling places and beating them at majong. He eventually develops his own romance which in the end is simply being able to say "see you tomorrow" to Peach and have it be true.

Scenery, music and language ( connects the characters)

"we have nothing to fear but fear itself"

As the days are starting to fade away and Japan becomes a closer reality than I could hardly believe, the butterflies have morphed into creepy, crawling tingles of fear instead my stomach. I keep trying not to think about my anxieties and the previous problems in Singapore with Trang, but of course my low self esteem always brings those memories to the surface in such cases. Everyone is telling me how great and awesome it is that I have such an opportunity. Somewhere inside or outside of me, I know it's true. The more I talk about it, the more amazing the position becomes before my very eyes. But at home, within the confinements of my room and parents' oppressive love, I feel lonely and with a lackluster spirit. I have found myself rebelling in silly, juvenile ways against my parents' authority for stupid reasons like not seeing friends. I don't know if my maturity has truly been stunted from being MIA for about a year or because there's a deeper message that I'm trying to get across.

I talked it out with Lawrence and the both of us agree that perhaps I just need sometime to digest all of this. Or else the Japan things feels too much too soon for me. One second I'm preparing for interviews, the next I'm working on sending out documents for my work visa. And now I'm busy scheduling people left and right for "last minute memories".

Alas, a good book, my journal and my coffee shop sounds amazing right now.