Goals in Life

The famous question that sets off the butterflies in everyone who has been approached with it: What are you going to do with your life? What are your goals?

Today I was talking to Luis about what I should writing in my emails to employers. What words would capture the experienced eyes of human resources who can smell the green horn from a mile away? What sentences would properly represent the hardships that I faced for my studies and the credibility of my amazing school? What were the correct pleas that would provide a satisfying enough knock so that they will open their doors?

I think this was the break down of my job search. The mental frustration of coping with my life back at home, the blow to my pride for crawling back to Mom and Dad for funds and the gut wrenching alterations of my peers from academically striving to commercial suffocation. Welcome back into the world of the mindless masses. My cynicism is only a cry of help for salvation from my fall down the ladder. And even in that metaphor, it is not the top of the ladder that I strive for.

Me: It's too comfortable

I'd almost rather be stuck in New York, working the night shift, in my studio apartment

Luis: yeah, I know what you mean; in a weird way it makes you feel accomplished lol

Me:

it gives you the reassuring feeling that you're going to be able to make it and proud that you did it with your own hands and feet

~~~

What a dream. To just live on what your own God/higher being given hands and feet. That's all I want. To be independent and be able to pursue my own happiness. I don't hate home, but this is no longer my home.

So I better go search for it.

all is not right with the world

I just got off the phone with Lydia. It sounds as if her father's death is finally affecting her. I could tell she didn't want to talk to me about it, perhaps because there was not much I could to comfort her, especially with my perfect little family life. But I'm glad I got a good laugh or two out of her.

However, it seems as if all is not right with the world. Alex wants to join the navy/marines, Anh is having trouble finding a job despite his incredible intelligence, Chi Na can barely make $300 a month at the nail salon, Liza is considering the prospects of being a house wife, Gretel is caught between the spoke wheels of office politics, Chris quit his internship to pursue other ventures and of course there's me drawling along at home. Just when it seemed like the world couldn't be filled with more problems, the clouds blacken and "God" reminds silent.

I was telling Gretel about how as adults, we tend to instill hopeful messages in the songs and story books we give to children about following our dreams and having hope no matter how bad the situation may seem. She called them bullshit lies. I told her, it didn't matter whether not it was a lie. The point was to encourage perseverance in kids so that they endure the long road ahead. Philosophers preach about human beings have the right of reason and ego in order to make decisions for themselves and thus pursue their happiness. Will Smith proclaims the pursuit of happiness is a long journey through the treacherous but rewarding in the end. Dad says "In America, nothing is free".

I think we all fight because the alternative is boredom. And as Bowdoin kids, boredom does not exist. We were born fighters and trained master-minds. Perhaps it just takes a few hardships and bad experiences to sharpen our minds and skills.

Well, whatever it is, my childish hope prays that success lies at the end of the road for everyone. And that, that perseverance that grew inside our minds from its small infant bud of cartoons and comic book heroes, is strong enough to keep us burning for the rest of the way.

"rain outside my window, pouring down"

The stormy days have returned.

I had a great day today...well sort of. I didn't exactly find the teaching assistant job that I was hoping for because Sugey from the Angelina center did respond to my email. However the up side of things was that I got to participate in a pepsi commercial in Little Tokyo.

Coincidentally I was walking out of the parking lot at the same time that the film crew just finished parking. The head of the crew spotting me waiting at the spot light and rushed over to ask me if I wanted to take part in their advertisement project. Haha, there's no guarantee that I'll actually be featured on television, but it's nice to dream. I got a free pepsi as payment too! ^_^

I've just spent the past 4 hours reading the manga that Kenny sent to me. I can't believe I'm almost done it. It's such a shallow manga with characters very similar to Yuwakase's stories. A whiny, spunky girl as the main character who works her way through the horrible circumstances that life throws at her in terms of family and work, who then falls in love with the cool, yet cold tall, dark and handsome guy who seems to be distant to everyone and yet is a kind soul underneath because he has endured far worse incidents than the female lead.

I suppose it's been a while since I've read such drama and there is a time for this kind of enjoyment.

However I find myself lost in the loneliness of the night. I feel like I want to cry, but,...something inside holds me back. I guess this is the kind of night perfect for sad love songs of unrequited love, no?

The kind that only Jason Mraz can understand. Sing away my love.