SuperBetter Journal: Brainy Quest #1 - The Flexible Brain

YOUR QUEST: Imagine that any aspect of your habits or thinking could be rewired with enough practice. What would you change or rewire? Why? 

If an ingenious scientist could cut open my brain, I would ask him to fix my procrastination wire and editing function. My problem is that I'm full of ambition, but without the proper organization and diligence to follow through with my plans, they're just empty dreams. I have had so many powerful ideas that come to me like waves of inspiration and I lack the energy to follow through. So then I'm just left with disappointment and a picture framed in my mind of what could have been.
I strongly believe I have really good ideas but I've noticed through my experiences in Japan, that sometimes they're too grand. This is where the editing needs to come in. I need to learn to scale down my ideas into what is manageable but still innovative. I think the solution to both to set more strict deadlines to meet. That way, I'm keeping myself in check on my efficiency through out the day, and rule out what is distracting. I'm also scared of wasting time. That may be the primary thing that holds me back from doing what I want to do. I think that's why it's better if it's for a job because at least I would be contributing to the greater picture. That makes me feel more justified to go along with my crazy ideas.

Vietnam Travels: From "Em" to "Chi", from "Con" to "Co"

A long time ago, when I was still a wee lad,  my family and I took trips back to Vietnam to visit my mother's family and friends once every three to four years. It was an awesome time to be young and American. We were the guests of honor who they rarely got to see and who came with "American moola". So as kids, my brother and I were spoiled like crazy by adoring friends and distant relatives we never knew existed until then.

In the Vietnamese language, we address others using titles. "Em" denotes a younger sibling, boy or girl. "Chi" and "Anh" denotes an older sibling and differentiates between "older sister" and "older brother". For kids, it is "con" and for adults, depending on their age in reference to our parents, it is "Co" for women, "Chu" for men, and "Bac" for anyone older. The interesting thing is, we do not just use these titles when referring to other people; we use them to refer to ourselves and our relationship to the person we are talking to. "Em thuong Chi" translates to "Little Sister loves Big Sister". The sense of "I" does not really exist. There is a word that literally translates to "I" which is "thuoi", but it is rarely used other than in self monologue narratives. It sounds cold and disconnected to the Vietnamese ear. The reason is, we use these familial titles for anyone who is Vietnamese. This acknowledgement of countrymen as family symbolizes the unity of the Vietnamese people and their our connection to one another.

For me, as young American being showered with such love and affection, these titles also had a guarantee with them. As the "em" and "con" in every relationship, it meant that I would be protected and always cared for by my "Anh, Chi, Co, Chu, and Bac". So each time I said their name, I acknowledged that they were the people responsible for my well being, thus solidifying my bond to them.

Well something happened on this trip back to Vietnam. I had become a "Chi" and a "Co" with even realizing it.

My older cousins had all gotten married and now had at least one child of their own for me to shower with love and affection. All of my second cousins are not infants; most were in elementary school and could speak their minds. They are adorable, spoiled rotten, and extremely curious. I fell in love with them the moment I got to know them. However during conversations, I struggled with the sudden change in names. When I was young, switching back and forth from "Em" and "Con" was easy. In America, we just used "I" and in Japan, it is considered rude to draw too much attention to yourself. Now I had the titles of "Em, Con, Chi, and Co" to juggle back and forth during conversations.

As I struggled to get each title right it dawned on me the huge responsibility I was signing up for as being these children's "Co". After teaching small children in Japan for the past three years, I became well informed with what was lying ahead in their life. It is extremely overwhelming to say the very least. I realize that my cousins were not asking me to take these children under my wing and transform them to into perfect model citizens. However, the faults that I could foresee in each cousin's mentality and confidence were so clearly written out in front of me. Were they going to be able to survive the bullies at school? Could they handle the awkward relationships between with friends? Could they handle the verbal abuse and torment from adults? Are they learning how to be strong and kind in a world that can be cruel and relentless? I realize that their parents have enough wealth to feed all of the homeless in one Vietnamese city for a year, but money will not save them nor teach them the values of humanity and virtue. Those are the things that I feel responsible for teaching to my little lads.That is the bond I agreed to the moment I acknowledged they were my "con" and I, their "Co".

24..

It's my last hour of being 23. Honestly, I haven't paid too much attention to my birthday. It's not so much the "getting older" and "stop counting" phase. I suppose, I've just been having so much fun and enjoying my very fortunate and wonderful life that, my birthday is just as much of a gift from my parents as every other day I was given and still have ahead. I'm watching Shrek the 4th and the moral of this story, is to want the things that you have. Although honestly, I really want one of donkey's flying mutant babies right now. ^^ But the moral holds up; wanting what you already have and I gotta say, I have a lot.

More than I thought I did before. I know that sounds cheesy and cliche. I don't care. Things have been amazing and they keep getting better and better. I don't want this energy to ever stop. And if there's anything that I owe to myself through all these awkward years of "growing up", it's owning up the fact that, I can do things. In fact, there's a lot that I am capable of and I have such an awesome brain. It just...needed a little time to get to its full potential. I sincerely hope I'm not at that point yet. I can't wait to see what being 24 has in store.

Ba noi, ca mung ba..for everything. Thank you for a safe, good childhood full of lemonade and strange play with Cathy. Thank you for taking care of us. I will miss your tiger balm scent and cooking the most. Thuong Ba lam.

Here's to an awesome 23 years of living.

Clakkity-clak-clak

People have their own strange personal likes and dislikes, and most of the time, the reason behind their liking has nothing to do with logic. It something that stirs the senses and bring comfort.

For me, it's the clacking of the keyboard on the computer. As classic as the typewriter is, I'm straight out of the 90's generation, so it's gotta be the key board. I could never use the sleek new Mac notebooks because they're just too quiet and well, the futuristic projected keyboards would have no give to the fingers. There's a satisfying soreness to the tips after you've finger punched your way through 100 pages of pure thought and analysis that you can't find in any other exercise.

It's been a while since I've taken up the chance to pound out my thoughts. My excuse is as generic as any other full time working adult: I had no time.

That's a flat excuse now that I think about it. Everyone has the same amount of hours in one day. Of course I had time; I always have time. Truth of the matter is, I didn't want to sit down and write. I felt overworked, stressed and wanted to escape from my troubles by falling head first into the black and white pages of my books. Maybe it's not coincidence literature is still printed in black and white instead of multicolor. In between those bindings, everything is still black and white. There's an beginning, a trajectory, a climax, a denouement and an ending. Maybe each part is not always predicable and in the best cases, they completely shatter our imagination's boundaries. But they'll always be black and white: clearly obvious in their tone contrast.

For that same reason, we can't live in those worlds. Real life is always changing in prismatic patterns from soft morning hues to clashes of techno blots. So when people ask me: "What's up?" or "What's it like on the other side of the world?", I still feel too blindsided and overwhelmed to give a creditable answer. At the end of it all, I guess I just feel a bit gray.

Work isn't perfect. No one's work is. And honestly, it has become even more frustrating in the last few weeks than before. For reasons that logic can explain in full detail, but emotions and immaturity still reject as incredulous. It makes me think back to when I was talking to Dao about "the real work world". Her reply was that: "It's the politics that make it different when what you're use to." Without fail, it's the politics. It's the "who-said-what" overlapped with "he/you should have done this". Top that off with threats to dock more pay and you have a very gray phuongy.

I do work quite hard. Perhaps, harder than I have worked before and the credit is slow and often ignored. But I know it...then forget it...and then I hate myself when I don't remember. My ideal of myself is impossible to attain. I have so many powerful images of people I want to be, but never achieved any of them. Reason being is probably because I was never really cut to be any of those people and I kept looking for approval from others to ensure myself that, that was the person I should be.

I guess I should put to pen my thoughts on myself. Maybe seeing it in black and white will bring some clarity to my haphazard life.

1. I'm really insecure. Especially around my friends but even more so around my family.

2. I think being marked "wrong" is a sign of my stupidity.

3. I wish I was cool. (Ever since grade skill to now).

definition of growth

I am obsessed with maturity.

I don't know if it has to do with the overbearing weight of responsibility of adult life or the labels of success in the world.

Rachel commented that she has never met someone so "unexperienced" before meeting me. Now, the statement was in reference to my dating and flirting abilities, but a a general observation, she makes a valiant argument. I claim to be a big adventurer but when it comes down to it, I second guess myself and take the easy route. Maybe that's why I feel I've been lucky to this point- because I'm consistently choosing the easier path instead of the harder untrodden road.

And then there's the laziness- the center fulcrum of my unbalance life. The jolt of motivation to keeping pushing forward at break necking speed is absent and thus, my personal speed becomes lackadaisical.

"growing pains"

It's been about 11 years since Toy Story was a part of my life and today I was able to experience a bit of that old, nostalgic magic again that only Disney and Pixar could create from their finger tips.

Granted, I watched Toy Story 3 in Japaneses and was not able to enjoy the full experience of clever catch phrases, Tom Hank's and Tim Allen's amazing voice acting or Mr. Potato Head's silly complaints but emotions and feelings can always transcend language. I mean hey-that's why I pick them up so easily, no?

The ending to the trilogy was as amazing and stupendous as the first one, from start to end. But I think the timing of this third movie was the epitome of it all; it was the clear sign to my generation of kids who had grown up with such wonderful toys in our lives, that now we had to move onto greater things as adults. Out of all viewers, no one else could understand the heartache that Andy experiences in parting with his beloved childhood more than we having shared those toys with him through the years. What's worse than watching Andy simply leaving behind those faithful memories of youthful splendor is the fact that this time, it was his toys who left him.

In the first two movies and for a majority of the last, the protagonist of faithful Woody was always concerned with being the "forgotten toy". As evidence has proven throughout all three movies, children are cruel and can be negligent quite easily to their playthings. It's part of their lack of responsibility and inability to proper care for others, despite their existence being real or fantasy. Even Andy showcased certain realistic flaws, such as picking the more extravagant Buzz Light Year over Woody in the first movie and then accidentally ripping Woody's arm in the second. But the heart of the story lies in the simple fact that children need to play and there is no one they can depend more on than their toys. No one showcases that message better than Woody the Cowboy. No matter what shenanigans Woody and gang fall into, or how mistreated he is by Andy- Woody's unconditional love for him is as clearly written out as Andy's name on his boot. Even his own theme song sings it out in plain words: "You've got a friend in me..when the road is rough ahead and you're miles and miles from your safe warm bed, you just remember what your old pal said: yeah you got a friend in me."

No one could resist tears at the ending when Woody, even though self picked through Andy to come along with him for college, willing throws himself into Bonnie's donated toy box. The lone cow ranger who had been faithful all these years, ended up being the one to say good bye first. Perhaps even greater than a parent's love in letting their children leave the nest, is a beloved toy telling his owner it's time to grow up and leave him for the next generation to love.

It is such a wonder that inanimate objects can stir alive the imagination with a simple facial expression, small movement, or recorded voice feature. Pixar and Disney (I listed it that way on purpose) simply gave a bit of animation to our playthings and as a result, reminded us of that old fashion magic from childhood. It's not found in these new electronic hand games, or in magazines or 2d collection cards. It's the spark we all felt when holding our favorite stuff animal, dressing up and battling with our action figures and barbie's, pushing buttons and making our toys converse with one another in our terrible voice acting. It's quite literally, a physical touch of childhood; the most real and tangible grasp of magic that we could ever hold or will ever hold again for a long time. That is why as an adult, I hold no shame in showing my love for this trilogy for its animators. No one can doubt the truth it presents about the greatest of youth and the inevitability of adulthood.

This is the sad good bye that we all face and the only thing we can do is say: "Thank you Woody, Buzz, and everyone for adventures. It was fun while it lasted."

figuring some stuff out...

Back in highschool, I use to sink straight into school work and clubs to distract myself from doing any kind of soul searching. There were too many things to do, colleges to get accepted to, and on occasion, friends to see. There was no such thing as spending too much time with my friends. They were after all, my life and as far as I cared, the only things that matter to my world.

So when shit went down, between the boyfriend, or between friends and their friends- I was dragged down too. That was pretty much all that occupied my thoughts at that young age.

In college, it was about bettering myself to keep up with the rest of the richie-rich kids. I couldn't allow myself to be surrounded by the brightest and most intelligent in the country and not be positively influenced by them. Of course, coming into college, that thought did not strike my thoughts at all. I could only go by the instincts and emotions that came as roller coaster thrills do on a day by day basis.

Even then, I did not think about the greater purpose outside of academics. There were still boyfriend problems, drama with the friends and roommate and on occasion-the paper freak outs with dear Gretel.

I never thought to look beyond those things. Perhaps the flaw of youth is that our perception is so shallow, we do not possess the insight to prepare for those future troubles. Without the kind guidance of family members and fellow experienced companions, who knows how far we might make it out of sheer instinct and will power. Of course taking such advice when we're so hawty and bold is on rare occasion as well.

Today at work was challenging. I didn't feel like myself and my students' energy were just really low. I don't know if it was the games, their moods, or even just me. I've never experienced this kind of lifestyle before-- everything is so peaceful and set into consistent motion. Why am I lagging around like a funny bump in a tire?

Maybe meditation, some martial arts, exercise and fresh air will help my spirits. I don't if it's the job, my hesitation, my homesickness, or maybe just a low level of hormones that is causing my spirits to be so gloomy. Trust Indie Arie to set things straight for me with her soothing, rhythmic guitar strums and wise voice.

Get it together phuong...